Monday, April 6, 2015

Raw is FHIZicho! 04/06/2015

Yo, comics is dead, wrassling is life. From here on out, Gotham Spoilers is a warssling website. Maybe. Probably. I might not do this next week, who knows? Basically what I'm going to be doing is updating this post through my watching of Raw with all my thoughts on how I wish the entire roster, outside of a few guys and ladies, were just replaced with the NXT roster. Probably going to update during the commercial breaks.


The Pre-Game Thoughts:

So, how dumb is it that Michael Cole is going to be on the broadcast tonight? I mean, talk about no-selling the F5. But that said, is it any coincidence that this comes the day after Easter? I'm not saying Michael Cole is Jesus, but...


That's about it on that subject.

Regardless, what do we have to look forward to tonight? Cena fighting someone else for the US Title (spoilers, he wins, because he has to fight Rusev at Extreme Rules). Rollins is the champ... so Randy Orton is probably going to show up? And just for good fucking measure, let's put Roman Reigns in there too, because well love Roman Reigns. I smell a Randy/Roman vs. Rollins/Big Show tag match coming. If I want to be super cynical, I'll say Ryback and Kane will be in there too, because why the fuck not just do the same match again, because it's the NCAA finals, who's watching Raw? Also, speaking of Big Show...

For real. The Authority is the big heel stable with Seth Rollins leading (the active wrestlers) and who is he flanked by? Kane... just give him back the mask, and fucking Big Show. I'm supposed to give a shit about Big Show being one of the "top heels" by storyline standards? Fuck off. And now they had him win the Andre the Giant Battle Royal, the match filled with so many mid carders, and an NXT guy who they're sure to fuck up, to the point of no one giving a shit? Great. Awesome. Now every time Big Show comes out they have to mention that for the next four months and he's going to stand next to the trophy doing the pose going "I'm Big Show and I matter, please stop chanting 'please retire' because I'm important."


I guess Sheamus is also going to be a thing. He looks dumb as all hell now, straight up Zoidberg, but to be honest, I don't hate him as a heel. WWE is in desperate need of good heels outside of Rollins (see: my thoughts on Big Show) and he could do well next to BNB... Daniel Bryan/Dolph Ziggler vs Sheamus/BNB? Probably. BUT DOLPH CALLED DANIEL A TURD. Oh well.

Ambrose and Harper probably going to have a match which will lead to an Extreme Rules match as well.

Chances WWE Acknowledges AJ Lee's departure outside of the Bellas cutting a shitty promo burying her? I say low.

The main character of NCIS has the worst haircut ever.

The (not Big) Show:

This just in: Tonight is the night. Apparently. Neville already got added to the intro. That didn't take long.

Holy shit, Byron is back, they actually didn't bring back Cole. Wow. The long sell! Why the hell are they starting off with a recap of the Sting/HHH match which made no god damn sense?


Really, we're starting off the show with a segment where Big Show talks? Every time he talks about Seth Rollins, he looks like he's THIS close to admitting his love to him.

So, let's get this straight. Ryback/Randy Orton/Roman Reigns triple threat match for the number one contender, but all three of them have singles matches as well? What the hell, is most of the roster at a house show or something? Also, lol, Ryback. Yeah, sure.

Well that first match was just sort of a wash. Just one of those "who the hell cares?" Kane got a DQ and Randy won. Whatever. But NEVER FEAR GUYS... We got Roman Reigns vs. The Big Show! Total early match of the year contender, right there.

#ThankYouAJ you say JBL? You mean, the same thing CM Punk tweeted!? Shhh, CM Punk doesn't exist! Also, lol, rogue Brad Maddox sighting. Can this whole Seth being sick of Kane thing just lead back to Demon Kane?

Oh, Michael Cole's injury changed from last week? Maybe saying Michael Cole has the same injury that the dude who died in the ring with Rey Mysterio was a bit disrespectful... Maybe just a bit.

Holy shit, Adrian Neville vs. Seth Rollins? Wow, that was kind of unexpected. This is some NXT shit. They're going real hard with this Mighty Mouse shit though. Giving him a cape... That titantron of someone hitting th e earth from space. Damn. I'm surprised on a night that Triple H isn't there, they acknowledge all this NXT continuity and shit. This is the first time I can remember the fact that Rollins was the first NXT champ being mentioned. Fucking good on WWE for this match.

But for real, fucking hell man, that was the first time in awhile I really felt like actually paying attention to a Raw match. More Seth Rollins vs. guys from NXT who came after him, please. Also, like hell am I not replacing Rollins and Neville's heads with Vince and the NXT logo not hat final curb stomp.

And here comes Cena. i've got to admit, now that he's not in the "I WANNA FIGHT BROCK LESNAR" zone, I've come to like him a lot more. I mean, I'm bored with all the times he wins, sure, but he's a pretty entertaining guy outside of his lolwins. I mean, THE DEKE.

I kind of wish some more interesting people showed up for these Cena matches though. So far it's just two guys who were "I want the Intercontinental Title" a month ago, but got left out of that post-Mania feud. I mean sure, I can't remember seeing Cena fight Mister Sinister, but still... Have Bo Dallas show up and make a good match of it, I don't know.

So the Bellas are up next huh? Here's the thing that weirds me out about the Bellas being heels... I just don't get it. Outside of Kayfabe, they're all "We're role models for little girls!" yet what is their character in the ring? Bitchy mean girls complete with the Smash Mouth song L forehead gesture... You know, the same type of mean girls who'd probably pick on any girl who admits to watching this nonsense in school. THAT SHIT MAKES NO SENSE... But then again, the NWO came to Sting's rescue a week ago, so what the fuck does it matter? Chances the Bellas shit on AJ? High. Chances Paige is nowhere despite winning at Mania, because she's got to film some shitty holiday movie with The Miz... unfortunately probably high... But maybe they haven't started filming yet? Or sure, no talking and Paige is there. NEVERMIND.

So the Prime Time Players are just shitting all over the shitty tag team division? Sure. I'm still bitter about The Acension and how they just got totally fucked up with booking. The tag division is shitty, already said that, all WWE needed to do was do the EXACT same thing they did in NXT with the Ascension, and just have them wreck motherfuckers. No shitty promos, no stupid shoulder pads, just have them come in an beat the crap out of fools... But no, easy booking is too easy booking and they're a total joke of a team, destined to live in mediocrity until their cut. Lame.

Also, NO ONE saw Mizdow vs. Miz coming, really Byron, REALLY?


I spent most of that Ryback vs Harper match looking up Harper interviews on YouTube when I was curious to see what he was like outside of character. 

Just let the New Day "snap" and be unhinged crazy people trying to stay positive. They'd be way more interesting.

I love that Sin Cara's unenthusiastic "LU-CHA" fist pumps are now nationally broadcasted. 

Zero interest in watching Roman and Big Show... Previously on this shitty match:

Roman needs to stop doing the cocking his fist thing... It just looks like he's making a jerk off motion.

Kane should join the next season of Total Divas or I riot.

It's weird to see a new Bray Wyatt promo after he left Wrestlemania without a leg to stand on. 

No one gives a shit about your movies, Vince.

Cutting of Miz's music to play the exact same song for Mizdow's entrance is way funnier than it should be.

Ryback was there to take the pin, surprising literally no one.

The Post Game:

Boy, this sure was dumb, wasn't it? Not sure if I'm going to do it again, turns out writing content about a three hour fucking show is kind of difficult. Overall, this was a better show than I was expecting. There was a shit ton more matches than one would expect. Half-way decent Raw which ended only a couple of minutes after 11? Damn.


  1. Lol, you actually got me interested in checking out Wrestling again and that hasn't been true for me since Wade Barrett was actually a thing lol... Three years ago if I'm remembering correctly. Is Theodore Long still a GM?

    1. Nah, they don't have GMs anymore. Just The Authority with Triple H and Steph doing the old Vince McMahon stuff.